Hospitalization & A Break

Earlier today I posted “surrounded”.  I actually wrote that a couple of weeks ago.  Tonight I have just come home from another re-admittance to the hospital for my youngest.  He is reacting to an increase in medications 10 days ago complicated by blood sugar issues.  I’m sure you can imagine my heartbreak after close to three weeks without incident and then having to call the doctor tonight to hear the words “he has to be re-admitted”.  My heart sank as we entered the hospital again, I knew all the papers that had to be filled out & signed.  I knew the floor he would be on.  When the elevator doors opened, I was choking back the tears-I didn’t want to go through this all over again.

We were becoming frequent visitors.  Mr. Brandon saw us in the waiting room-my youngster’s face lit up “Hi Mr.Brandon”.  Mr. Brandon was a huge help these last few visits.  The nurses all remembered us.  I felt the sincere compassion from them.  We were able to tuck Fuzzy into bed with big bear hugs & kisses.  I actually felt a peace and calm.  Here we are again.  As the nurse was walking us out I asked her if they get a lot of frequent flyer parents.  She turned to us and said “It is very obvious how invested you are in him.  We see a lot of parents who either never come to visit or aren’t even involved anymore.”

Those words pierced me.  I can never imagine leaving one of my children like that.  As I sit hear and type, I’m amazed at my calmness.  Maybe it could be the fact that I had hit my breaking point this week.  I actually went out with some friends and stayed overnight at their house.  It was just what I had needed.  I was treated to a night to just let it all out-I still cringe to think I may have said more than need be that night.  The next morning I was treated to a wonderful delish breakfast before returning back home.

Once home, I still felt like I could suffocate with everything going on.  I finally asked Larry to take the kids out for the day and leave me at home so I could think.  I ended up on my hands & knees scrubbing floors.  Somehow the work helped me to unwind. I folded laundry.  I sat in peace and quiet and felt my nerves finally begin to relax.

My simple treasures-sweet friends& a night away, scrubbing floors was therapeutic, time to refresh.  All of this just so I could be ready for tonight. The comfort of seeing Mr.Brandon.  The ability to access care quickly because of what I’d already been through.  The artwork on the wall.   Somehow it was known that I needed refreshing to be able to face tonight.

 

Surrounded !

Train wreck.  That’s what I think when I list out the circumstances we are walking through right now.  I even hate to admit all that is happening because it does look like an absolute train wreck.  Yet, deep down inside, I know it isn’t really a wreck-it just looks that way.  As the weeks are passing, it has seemed like life is unraveling all over the place.  There has not been one stone left untouched.  I’ve even hit that point of laughing over it because the reality of the severity of circumstances just doesn’t seem that dire despite the huge upheavals (notice that is not singular but plural).  Why?

Can someone tell me where I was promised a perfect life? An easy life?  Life is just one big bowl of cherries (or chocolate, margaritas, oh wait-I’m on a rabbit trail), right?  Where did this ideal of an easy life come from?  Where is the proof that it was ever promised?

It wasn’t promised.  There is no contract that we signed when our life began.  Heck, who really got to sign on for stuff  that happens in our life anyway?  No one.  I guess that is why I can laugh at it-train wreck and all.  I have been surrounded by birds, songs, poems, verses, books, movies, social media, and a trusted circle of people that have all pointed me back to the fact-this apparent train wreck isn’t permanent.  The only thing permanent in this life is death. This train wreck has a purpose-not to kill me or make me lose my mind (I think I lost that awhile ago:)), but to stretch me beyond what I think I can handle, teach me, humble me, and allow me an opportunity to see life a little differently.

Again and again, I have watched circumstances unfold in such ways that I can not explain how it all happened.  Most of the time I can’t fully comprehend what is happening.   I can only say that in and through each circumstance, there has been hope amidst the ashes.  Time and time again, just as I think I’m going to crack, there comes something so small, so simple, so easy to overlook, yet the impact is immeasurably huge-and I am forever thankful.  It is the little things like a smile, hug, laugh, text, phone call, M&Ms,children’s laughter, yappy teenage daughter, and those who just happen to show up at just the right time with just the help I was praying for. And I feel as if God has surrounded me with His Hug.  My simple treasures…….. 🙂